More late night ramblings

September 23, 2008

Happy anniversary, Honey. I should be in bed with you right now. I’ll be back soon, I promise.

Sometimes just before sleeping I find my brain haplessly drawn back to the hospital rooms, treading the weary memory paths of what came before and what came after Teddy’s birth. Sometimes my brain can’t get away from those rooms, in which case I may take a sleeping pill (over the counter variety) or not (usually not). Accompanying these memories is always a sense of disbelief. I still can’t believe he’s gone, that this happened to us, that this is my story. How is it that I’m now that woman, the one you feel sorry for, the one from whom you avert your eyes and think, there but for the grace…

I’m afraid to go back to work. The last time they saw me I was happy, if scared. Letting them see me, me seeing them, seems another way of accepting the reality of what happened. I am tired of this fucking reality, let me tell you.

I dream of not having him, of my empty belly, of searching for him in Morpheus’s attics, of having to explain to people that my baby is dead. My dreams used to be about saving the world (or at least small villages) by feats of swashbuckling. I miss my swash and my buckle, especially now that I’m filled with sorrow over all I could not save.

One of my sisters in law is pregnant. She’s lovely, they both are, but why do I keep thinking, Don’t let it be a boy?

Somewhere in my head Neko Case is singing, I’m so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight.


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