Monday breakdown

October 27, 2008

I knew this would happen.

I knew that, sooner or later, I’d be helping a library patron who was holding an infant.  I was banking on later – I work in an academic library, and our students and faculty with children know that we’re not the most welcoming place, on the whole, for the baby and toddler set.

And today I helped a nice couple find peer-reviewed journal articles while trying hard not to freak them out by staring at their very little baby boy.  And then I told my co-workers that I’d be right back and ran to the bathroom to cry.

Still crying.

I know this is part of the process, part of my process.  But things just shouldn’t hurt this much.



  1. Ouch… I so feel you, Erica. They really are everywhere, aren’t they, all the brand new babies? Our little ones will never age, so they will always be our babies. I wonder if it will still give us pangs of sadness many years from now… Probably at times it will. I wish I could give you a pair of glasses to wear that would make them all invisible right now. Keep crying as long as it feels good. I think there is healing in real deep tears. Lots of love.

  2. Oh, I’m so sorry Erica. I know that feeling all too well.

    For me, it did get slightly easier after the first few encounters. I hope you find that too. It’s still awful and raw, but somewhat bearable, at least.

    I’m sending you the Angel Mommy Blog Award- you can find it here. http://sweetbabywhispers.blogspot.com/2008/10/angel-mommy-blog-award.html

    Thinking of you and Teddy today.

  3. Oh, ouch. I know.

    This reminds me of when I bolted out of church sobbing during a baptism just a month or so after my twins died. That was my jolt of reality that re-entering the outside world was not going to be easy.

    I’m sorry.

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