November 24, 2008

It’s not so bad all of the time now, or at least it’s bad in different ways than it was just a month ago, but today I’m right back where I was just after Teddy died. I just want him back. With everything that is in me, I want him back. Today, this seems to be all I can think of.

My family is asking for ideas for Christmas presents, and it just seems so fake, to ask for wool socks and dvds and tea. I can use those things, and it will make them feel better to give me something, but it’s all dust and ashes, really.



  1. I sense this is why people say three months can be harder than three weeks. I’m really feeling it today too, all of a sudden. There’s a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat and I just can’t make them go away. It is all so unfair.

  2. Teddy’s death is still so very new. Three months is incredibly hard, or, at least, I found it to be. I think it was about then that my own son’s death became real to me. I stopped waiting for the nightmare to end and started really living it. It’s awful. The longing is incessant and cruel.

    And Christmas. I have felt these feelings, too, like it is all so fake and contrived and it felt so incredibly unimportant after my C died. How can the world continue to celebrate when my son is dead?, I thought. I don’t want presents. I just want my baby. I still do.

    I’m so very sorry Teddy is not here. I know this offers no comfort at all, and yet I still feel the need to say it. Thinking of you…

  3. I’m finding the fluctuation in emotions annoying. I keep thinking I am out of the worst of it and then something happens (like Christmas) and it slams me back into that ‘low’.

    I so sorry Teddy isn’t here. The world isn’t fair.

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