Kicked when down

November 30, 2008

I’m delinquent in writing about what I’m thankful for, and won’t be writing about it in this post, either.  My grandmother is dying, has stopped eating or drinking and is expected to go in about a day.  She never liked the nursing home and hated many parts of growing old.  This isn’t unexpected, and in so many way’s this is the release of a spirit too long held captive by a breaking body.

But she’s my Grandma, and I’m not ready for her to go, especially not now.

I know that what I want when it comes to matters of life and death doesn’t mean much, that the world doesn’t owe me just because my son died, but I feel like it should owe me.  If not protection from all big future sorrows, surely I should get at least a little time to gather my strength and heal a bit, a little time to catch my breath?

And one of the things people will say to comfort us, “She had a long, full life,” has, as N puts it, a devastating right hook.  A long, full life. Oh, God.


  1. Erica,

    I’m so sorry about your grandma. I can’t imagine losing another family member so soon after your baby.

    The “long, full life” would knock me down too. Straightaway.

  2. Thanks so much, Heather. I lost my grandfathers years ago, and it hurt, but not like this, even though I know she was ready to go.

    I really do want 2009 to start right now.

  3. I’ve sort of had an opposite reaction to this. The death of my baby touched my grandparents very deeply. They already buried their first grandson (my oldest cousin whom I never met more than 30 years ago) and now they have had to bury a great grandchild as well. The death hit them hard and their health has been going down hill ever since. Previously the thought of them dying made me sick to the core, but now I feel more at peace with the idea. My grandfather is 90. He’s old. He’s had a wonderful, rich life. He fought in the war. He came to Australia on a boat in the 1950s. He’s seen the world. Lived. Loved. And they’d be going in the right order, the natural order of things. Not before their time. And I guess maybe I think if I do lose either of them now, they will get to keep my Hope safe until I get there, wherever that may be.
    Erica – I am so very sorry though. I still know when the time comes for me, it is going to sting.

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