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Holiday lights

December 21, 2008

We put up ourChristmas tree last Sunday, and actually had fun doing it, though this activity, like so much else this year, was haunted. After it was decorated, and lit up, I lit Teddy’s candle, so that I could think intentionally of him while enjoying the tree and some holiday music, so that he could be a part of that somehow. It felt achingly sad, and festive, and painful and comforting all at once.

It occurred to me that I may never feel pure happiness again, that all of my happiness will be mixed with wanting to share it with my boy who isn’t here. Then it occurred to me that this is probably okay, that this is one of the ways my loss is incorporated into my life now. Anyway, isn’t purity is overrated for the most part?

This year putting up holiday lights feels like a small act of defiance. I see the cold, the sadness, and the suffering and I know that the dark days we are going through in my little household don’t even compare to what’s possible, to what some people go through every day. It can always get worse. I see your cruel face, Universe, and I feel my own cold ache of empty arms, the longing for my beautiful boy who should be here. I haven’t experienced the worst that You can do, but I can imagine it, and it’s more frightening than I know what to do with. I admit to the fear and the loss and the pain, and I know I can be blasted where I stand at any moment, but I’m going to hope a tiny bit anyway.

So, here. Here are my holiday lights, multi-colored, small but sparkly, bright in the winter’s dark. Take that.

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