Five months

January 15, 2009

Five months ago today, you were born, Teddy.  We were so worried and yet so glad to see you.  If I let myself, I can still hear your Daddy saying, “He’s beautiful, he’s pink, he knows my voice” and telling me how you opened your eyes when you heard his voice, how you grasped his finger.  We so wanted you to be okay, to stay with us, to watch you grow and become.

You were so beautiful, so perfect to my eyes that it was hard to believe so much was going wrong.  Today I want just one more hour with you warm in my arms, one more chance to memorize your face and kiss you all over, to sing your lullaby and smell your smell.

Some days I hold your tiny urn in my hands and I am bitter, bitter, bitter that this cold jar is what’s left of all your warm weight and smell, of your beautiful rounded cheeks and wispy baby hair.  I’m still not ready to let you go, still not able to accept your loss.  I hoard every memory I have of you, but they aren’t enough, not nearly enough.

I can’t believe it’s been five months, five whole months.  And at the same time,  only five months.

I was very sick a few days ago, with stomach flu.  When the fever hit me and I started shivering I flashed right back to that hospital bed, to the fever I had while waiting for you.  I felt the same loss of control.  I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but it feels as though I did.  It feels as though I should have changed the world so that you could be here with us, growing and giggling, instead of being wherever you are now, out of my reach.

We miss you, baby boy, as we always will, but today I think I miss you extra.


  1. our dear babies left this earth in the same week. thinking of you today, as i approach five months in couple of days time.

  2. I feel the same dodgy timelessness. It seems so long ago and yet only yesterday.

    I’m so sorry Teddy isn’t here.

  3. Holding you and your son so close to my heart. I’m sorry Teddy is not here. I’m just so sorry.

  4. Sending you love, Erica.

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