This used to be simpler

January 18, 2009

I’ve written before of N’s sister, who has been so very good to us throughout my pregnancy, during and after Teddy’s death. Not so very long ago, she called to let me know, in the gentlest and most thoughtful way possible, that she and her husband were “trying” for baby number two.

A couple of days ago she called N to let him know she is now two weeks pregnant.

I am happy for her, for her family. But I miss the days when I could have been just happy for her. Because now, after Teddy, I am also terrified for them – and there doesn’t seem to be any polite way to discuss that. I want things to go well, for everyone to be okay and alive, but even mentioning that brings up the possibility that things might not be okay, and, not so strangely, most women don’t want to be reminded of that when pregnant.

Also now, after Teddy, I’m jealous. She has an adorable two-year-old already, and now she will (hopefully, oh, hopefully) have another adorable child, and I have to wait and hope and gnash my teeth until it’s my turn, if it ever is. The jealousy is silly of me for many reasons. She is a few years older than my 34 years, and it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to wait any longer. And she’s been unfailingly kind and patient with us, so I feel like a bit of a bitch to harbor any jealousy at all. But even though I know all of this, I wanted to be pregnant before I heard of her being pregnant.

If Teddy were here with us, I could, I think, just be happy for her. I will try to mainly be happy for her. I’ll worry anyway, but I can’t fix anything that might go wrong. And I’ll be jealous anyway, but there’s no need to mention that to anyone in real life.

N’s response to her news, he told me, was probably less than congratulatory, which strangely makes me feel better while at the same time making me feel like now we should probably send a card or something so she’s not too worried about our reactions. Too bad there aren’t gift certificates to ginger ale of the month clubs…



  1. Happy, worried jealous. All understandable.

    Maybe you can put together an email of things you have learned to look for (kick counts, etc) and send to her. Or buy her a kick counter for an early shower present. It’d be good to help if her baby needed it. I sent an email to everyone with that kind of info for oct 15. At least all the bad stuff I learned about after the fact could possibly help someone else.

  2. Since C died, I haven’t been particularly good at accepting pregnancy news and being happy for people. I don’t know if that will ever change. It’s hard carrying the burden of a lost child and seperating that from everything else. For me, it is all so connected. And that doesn’t necessarily bode well for the pregant women in my life.

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