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Breaking

March 6, 2009

Things around me keep breaking.

Computer software and printers at work have been acting up. Ink cartridges are running out of ink, trojan viruses (viri?) are lodging themselves on library computers. My ride to Seattle for next week’s library conference fell through. Our home is still leaking, leaking, leaking and yesterday evening I came home from work to find N as frustrated as I’ve ever seen him over the wet walls, cupboards, stove, and floor in our kitchen.

It’s as though I’ve been mildly hexed, and I wonder, why? Why me? even though that’s the wrong question to ask.

I don’t want to leave our home for another rental.  This is our first home as a married couple, the first place that’s seen the combining of our furniture, of our book and music collections.  I planted the rosebush in the back yard, the crocus bulbs in the front flowerbed, set up birdfeeders, made friends with neighbors and neighborhood cats.  This is the place where Teddy came into being, where we waited and planned for him, where we worried for him and cried for him.  It’s not ours, but it’s home.

And now it’s a potentially moldy home, a home we will probably leave soon (leaky roof pretty much frees us from our lease, I think).  I was not cut out for a gypsy life.  I like home to be solid, land-bound, certain and largely unchanging.  I used to fret and suffer from insomnia if the furniture in my bedroom were rearranged.  I am learning to move, to adapt, to deal with uncertainty, but I long for an island of peace.

A home that won’t leak, a world where things around me don’t break.

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2 comments

  1. I feel like things are falling apart a bit, too. First, the bush fires now, last night, an earth quake! Here, in Melbourne. It measured 4.7 and was felt everywhere in the state, but there was no damage or injuries. I heard the rumble and our house shook for about 30 seconds. I wasn’t afraid, but I sat up and took notice. I thought, finally, the earth is about to swallow me up just as I’ve been wishing for six months.
    I’m sorry you have to leave Teddy’s place. I hope your new place will be filled with special memories of a new little someone.


  2. Sorry you are dealing with all of this. xoxo



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