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More on letting go

March 23, 2009

It’s probably no secret to you now that I”m bad at letting things go. Phenomenally bad, in fact. My childhood experiences with water skiing all ended up with me sputtering water out of my nose because I wouldn’t let go of the rope when I fell. I was so convinced that I could pull myself up again, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Stubbornness runs in my family on both sides, and sometimes it’s a gift, the thing that helps you do what is hard in spite of naysayers and difficulties. Sometimes it’s a curse, the thing that overrides your common sense and need to care for yourself and those you love just to prove a point that doesn’t really need proving in the first place.

I think some of the grief, sorrow, and longing that have been surfacing the past few weeks are because the time when we could try again was approaching. I still want Teddy back, and I feel a little guilty for trying to assuage my grief with another child, or even the chance of another child.

Part of me still wonders if I should seek out healing of any sort, if I deserve it.

Luckily for me, healing has been finding me for the most part, and I’ve reached the point where most days I let it find me and don’t fight it.

This comes back to the same old struggle – I don’t want to let him go any more than I have to. Pursuing the possibility of another child is a way of letting go. I think it may be the kind of letting go I need to do, but that doesn’t make it easier to do.

Wouldn’t it be nice if, once you recognized that doing something would be good for you, doing it would become easier?

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4 comments

  1. Abiding with you. I’m not good at letting go either. xoxo


  2. I’m still clinging on. Can not. Will not. Let go.


  3. Me either. Sometimes I wonder if I’m inhibiting my own repair. But I don’t want to let it go.
    x


  4. You do deserve healing, Erica… why wouldn’t you? Still, the healing that comes from letting go is so hard to come by. I so relate to wanting to hold on to what little we have left of our babies.



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