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In the words of REM

March 27, 2009

I am…

My grief has been bubbling over again these last few days.  Knowing that we’re going to try again has brought so much I missed with Teddy to the surface, and the news of our new, wee nephew hit me like a Mac truck in spite of all my good intentions and attempts to prepare myself.  I am happy for my in-laws, intensely sad for myself and N, and struggle to communicate the happiness while keeping all that other stuff – the fear, jealousy, resentment, and disbelief – to myself.   I feel torn and fractured, tired of trying so hard to focus on the happy.

I am Superman

But today?  Today I cooed over a coworker’s new baby, admired his long fingers and joked about whether he’d grow into his long toes.  I did it without crying, though I can feel a few tears coming on again.  I’ve been sweet to the in-laws, supportive of worried colleagues, haven’t lost my temper when it’s been sorely tried, have planned a nice Friday evening dinner and a walk home, and have, in general, held it together.

and I can do anything

So today, instead of being Grief Girl, I am Superman.  Figuratively – I didn’t grow man bits or anything.  You know what I mean.

(and yes, I know, The Clique sang it first)

(and yes, I fully expect to be Grief Girl tomorrow, which is why I’m crowing about my small victories right now)

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2 comments

  1. Oh Erica…I know this feeling all too well. Celebrate those strong moments, they help prepare us for the not so strong ones.


  2. ((hugs)) I remember those feelings.
    walking with you… xo



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