In the words of REM

March 27, 2009

I am…

My grief has been bubbling over again these last few days.  Knowing that we’re going to try again has brought so much I missed with Teddy to the surface, and the news of our new, wee nephew hit me like a Mac truck in spite of all my good intentions and attempts to prepare myself.  I am happy for my in-laws, intensely sad for myself and N, and struggle to communicate the happiness while keeping all that other stuff – the fear, jealousy, resentment, and disbelief – to myself.   I feel torn and fractured, tired of trying so hard to focus on the happy.

I am Superman

But today?  Today I cooed over a coworker’s new baby, admired his long fingers and joked about whether he’d grow into his long toes.  I did it without crying, though I can feel a few tears coming on again.  I’ve been sweet to the in-laws, supportive of worried colleagues, haven’t lost my temper when it’s been sorely tried, have planned a nice Friday evening dinner and a walk home, and have, in general, held it together.

and I can do anything

So today, instead of being Grief Girl, I am Superman.  Figuratively – I didn’t grow man bits or anything.  You know what I mean.

(and yes, I know, The Clique sang it first)

(and yes, I fully expect to be Grief Girl tomorrow, which is why I’m crowing about my small victories right now)



  1. Oh Erica…I know this feeling all too well. Celebrate those strong moments, they help prepare us for the not so strong ones.

  2. ((hugs)) I remember those feelings.
    walking with you… xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: