One hundred

April 10, 2009

Janis’s idea, and a good one. Here are my hundred random things:

  1. Maple trees outside my office window are full of red leaf buds
  2. I shouldn’t be doing this sort of thing while at work
  3. But the sunshine makes it hard to focus on writing to faculty about journal cancellations
  4. I thought this spring would be so different
  5. Mom kept telling me my life would be changed forever; little did she know
  6. I used to be happy
  7. I’m no longer miserable, at least most of the time
  8. My sprouting sweet peas make me smile
  9. I wonder how many seedlings will be in my sweet pea pot tomorrow?
  10. Birds at the bird feeders make me smile
  11. One of my coworkers today remarked that I am always sunny
  12. They can think that about me because my office door has a lock on it
  13. I don’t feel sunny, but it seems that I fake it well
  14. Why isn’t there a name for a mama without a baby, a box for me to check on surveys
  15. My state is making giant budget cuts to Education, and everyone I work with is sad and nervous
  16. I’m glad it’s Friday
  17. Teddy was born on a Friday
  18. Next week he would have been eight months old
  19. I feel like I’m a hundred years old. Sometimes. On Fridays and Saturdays
  20. I need to start writing again
  21. I want to start writing again
  22. Pictures of my nephew make me cry.  I hope it isn’t always this way.
  23. Maybe I’ll color eggs tomorrow and then make deviled eggs
  24. Why do they call them deviled eggs?
  25. I used to watch The Ten Commandments with my brother after eating Easter dinner at Grandma’s house
  26. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it might be more comforting for me to not believe in God
  27. Arthur, Herod, and Moses all had infant boys murdered
  28. You could say, in Moses’s case that it was Pharoah’s fault, but God “hardened his heart”
  29. So whose fault was it, really?
  30. I want a dishwasher
  31. I have house and garden envy
  32. Some day we will find our place to live, a place to plant a tree for Teddy
  33. I wish we could do it now, I think it would comfort N.
  34. What do I say to old classmates who find me on Face.book and cheerily ask what I’ve been up to?
  35. I wish Mom didn’t hurt quite so much for me
  36. It’s hard to talk to her honestly when I worry about breaking her heart
  37. She would have been a really marvelous grandmother
  38. She was marvelous
  39. Maybe she’ll be a grandmother again soon
  40. Maybe we’ll get lucky our first month trying
  41. I’d be happy.  And terrified
  42. It will be both a disappointment and a relief if we have to wait another month, another few months
  43. Babies follow me around – in real life, in books, on Face.book
  44. Yesterday at the eye doctor the receptionist was talking with a friend about someone’s new twins
  45. Twins seems like an embarrassment of riches
  46. Two weeks ago, when I spent time with my coworker’s baby, my left breast leaked
  47. I didn’t find out until I got home and saw the wet spot on my bra
  48. Traitor breast.  Eager, foolish, traitor breast
  49. Cutting down on coffee is harder than I thought it would be
  50. The smell of it in the mornings might be more necessary than the taste, though
  51. Maybe I can try decaf, but who am I kidding?
  52. I am apartment hunting, though I haven’t actually called anyone to see apartments yet
  53. It would be lovely if we could find a place with a dishwasher
  54. I hate moving.  I want a home base, a place that is ours
  55. I hope we’re both still employed this time next year
  56. It’s good to know my eyes and teeth are healthy
  57. Hurray for medical insurance
  58. I really hope we’re both still employed next year
  59. Dad did our taxes, but we have to mail them because of attachments
  60. The attached copy of Teddy’s birth certificate with the word ‘deceased’ written on it
  61. I couldn’t write that on the certificate, so Dad must have done it
  62. No one should have to do that for their grandchild
  63. Dad would have had such fun playing with his grandson
  64. I love the way my Dad turns into a playful twelve-year-old boy sometimes
  65. Just remembered the time when the whole family gathered round to light farts over a spring break
  66. We turned the lights off to better see the flames, which were blue
  67. Mom would turn an impressive shade of red if she knew I told that story to anyone
  68. I love how silly my family can be
  69. I wonder if N got the snow tires off
  70. Yesterday evening he ran to the grocery store to refresh our chocolate supply
  71. He picked up the latest issue of Cooking Light, filled with yummy-sounding recipes
  72. We may try a new recipe over the Easter weekend
  73. I love looking at food photographs – food porn, my friend S calls them
  74. N doesn’t like tomatoes, pickles, capers, blueberries, or bananas
  75. I may convince him to try artichokes, though
  76. Grandma called the other day to tell me she was cooking an artichoke for herself, because she knows I love them
  77. I also love Neruda’s poem, Oda a la Alcachofa
  78. I wish my Spanish weren’t so rusty
  79. I struggle with the concept of Easter
  80. Maybe I should have been born a neo-pagan
  81. At least I don’t have to eat lamb cake again
  82. Good Friday. Really?
  83. I understand death being a part of life, but not the arbitrariness of it
  84. Last spring we looked and commented on every stroller we saw, thinking of what kind we would get
  85. Last spring I was full and round, and proud with it
  86. I miss being in awe of myself like that
  87. It was a bad year, a year of broken hearts
  88. Not just mine
  89. My dear friend S is trying to sort out who she is after her 20-year marriage broke up
  90. She thought she knew what her life was, and now she doesn’t
  91. Me, too, but I have N
  92. Who brings me chocolate, who stops by work just to say hi, give me a kiss, make me feel loved
  93. I wish I were as good to him as he is to me
  94. I’m working on it
  95. I want to go for a walk with him this evening
  96. But we may just curl up together and watch Dollhouse
  97. I started him on watching Buffy, when we were dating, and he ended up buying the full series DVDs
  98. I remember how much I loved the fact that he loved both Jane Austen and baseball
  99. He taught me to love baseball, too
  100. We hold each other up.


  1. I love the fart thing. 🙂 That made me laugh.

    My husband and I bonded over Buffy too. You should read Twilight it has sort of the same feel, (made me relive my Buffy years for a while). But book four is a bit daunting for the babylost so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Holidays just aren’t the same are they?

  2. This was a lovely idea and a lovely 100. Made me laugh, smile and cry. Agree so much with 35 & 36. Hope so much that 39 & 40 are written in the stars for you. 48 made me cry for quite a while. So glad for number 100.

  3. I dig food porn. 😉
    I hope you and N had a nice evening.
    My heart is with you sweet mama. Sending you good thoughts. xo

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