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Wish list

April 20, 2009

A couple days after Teddy died, my mother said to me, sadly and wistfully, “If wishes were horses…” and I answered, “I’d at least have a fine herd of horses.”  This was a bit of a play on a family joke – I started petitioning my parents for a horse (yes, I was one of those girls) when I was about 4 years old, and had my hopes raised and dashed over this a few times (some day I’ll tell you about the sad horse-less Christmas morning when I was eleven).

Yesterday evening, N asked me if I was okay.  The truth is that I wasn’t; it was another blue day, a day full of quiet desperation, of being unsettled, of missing Teddy so much that I could almost hear the ghost of the laughter he would have laughed at eight months old.  I still get this feeling, some days, that my baby is somewhere but that I can’t find him, and the combination of grief and frantic-ness is hard to deal with.

So I told N it was nothing new, but that it had been a hard day.  And I told him I was stressed out about house/apartment/duplex hunting, which is also true.  He is starting to realize that not having a stable home base is harder on me than it is on him, though he probably doesn’t yet realize the extent to which I long for our own place, a place I can paint and landscape and love and bully into being home.  It’s probably good that he doesn’t realize this as we’re no where near achieving it and I don’t want him to feel guilty or less-than because of me.  You know the story of the fisherman and his wife?  I never want to be that wife.

Still, I have all of these wishes.  Some are impossible and beyond achieving – I wish Teddy were here with me, for example.  Some, however, may turn into reality if not into horses, and as I work and save to pay my bills so that someday I can afford something resembling a down payment, I encourage myself by pulling up my list of wishes for a home.

I wish I had –

  • A watertight roof
  • A sunny kitchen with enough counter space to accommodate kneading bread
  • A family room with a fireplace
  • A garden with a space to plant Teddy’s tree
  • A fenced yard so that I can rescue a greyhound
  • Enough space so that N could have an office, I could have an office/studio nook, and any possible future child could have his/her own room
  • A garage
  • A deck or patio, partly in sun and partly in shade
  • Pleasant, non-industrial views
  • Space for a vegetable patch
  • Built-in book shelves
  • Wood or stone floors
  • A screened in porch or sun room for the cats’ basking pleasure
  • A cold room for storing vegetables and canned goods (in my dream house I know how to can things – don’t laugh, it could happen)
  • At least one secret cubby or passage or room
  • Lots of eco- and environmentally-friendly features
  • A really big water heater
  • A claw foot bathtub (I realize there’s a bit of irony in wishing for this and the water heater just after wishing for environmentally-friendly features, but I don’t take long baths every day or even every week, so I’m giving myself a pass)
  • Close proximity to a park or forest
  • Birch trees near the front door
  • Enough quiet to hear the frogs singing in the evenings

Do you have possible wishes that run alongside your impossible wishes?  Do they offer you any comfort or distraction?

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5 comments

  1. What a thoughtful post. I too have many wishes. Most are unrealistic, some seem to be reachable. We’ll see. Thank you for making me ‘think’ and keep on wishing!

    Strength to you today.


  2. Oooh, that sounds like my dream home too. For a while there I thought Hope was lost. I would stare in to other prams and slings and look for her. “Where are you baby girl, Mummy is looking for you?” Those were in the early weeks, when I still didn’t know where I was or who I was. She feels so gone now. I can’t hear that 8 month old laughter at all, just silence.


  3. One day you will get a house that you can make into a home. Maybe it will have some of the features on your list, but it won’t matter, because you will make it yours.

    Have you gone to a lender to see what you qualify for now? Maybe you could start with a condo/townhouse? OR a federal first time homebuyer program?


  4. That sounds so lovely, and so close to what I desire. Can we move in there too? 🙂


  5. Of course you can move in. I’ll just add an extra wing to the wish list 🙂



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