May 17, 2009

I love walking with N.  We walked together often in the couple of months after Teddy died, and it seemed as though we could talk to each other about him on those walks.  It seemed as though talking about him came more easily then

Yesterday evening, N and I went for a walk.  We offered to pick up some mail for friends who are out of town, and decided we should make a longer loop of it.

After a couple of blocks, he said, “I think you know this, but today is nine months.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t say anything because…”

“I didn’t either – I was afraid that…”

And as we walked up the hill we talked about how neither one of us had wanted to bring it up, about how each of us wanted to spare the other the burden of that particular memorial, even though we each thought the other knew.

We talked about the significance of the date, nine months since Teddy died, another Saturday the 16th, the feeling of wrongness that Teddy was here such a short time.

He told me how well he remembered that Teddy knew his voice, how our son opened his eyes when he heard his daddy speaking to him.

And I recalled how Teddy kicked at N’s hand when he put it on my belly.

We decided to mark off the 15th and 16th of each month, birthday, deathday, and plan on doing something to mark them – not necessarily big things, a walk or a dinner out or a drive – so that we can acknowledge these days openly.

It was N’s suggestion to mark these days, and it was a relief to me to hear him suggest  it.  We spend so much time shielding each other lately, and it’s good to know that we can approach some of our memory-ridden days consciously and thoughtfully and together.

We need to go for long walks together more often.



  1. Looks like I’m not the only one who noticed the days aligned this month with the days of August 2008. Monday 18 August here – the day she died nine months ago. Tomorrow will be the day she was born, nine months ago. Another damn Tuesday.
    Simon and I took a lot of walks in those early months, but they have dropped off recently. Would be nice to start that up again….

  2. I’m so glad you are doing this, and supporting each other so beautifully.
    I love walking, I love putting my feet to the ground.
    Thinking of you, sweet. ((hugs))

  3. I’m glad you’ve set aside this time and can support each other like this. Walking is good.

  4. Some of our best moments are on walks. I’m glad you had this special time.

  5. long walks are good for opening up so many things… glad you guys can still connect

  6. walking is good.

    and i would never have believed how difficult it can be to open up about my private memorializing even to my partner, to his father, to the only other person i know who grieved him as i did. i would’ve thought it would be natural as breathing. part of me still thinks it is, and we make it hard.

    so glad you two have made your plan for the dates. that sounds good.

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