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Collage

June 11, 2009

This is what I want to be doing right now:

calliope reading

*******

I foresee a lot of whining about not drinking caffeine in my future.  I’ve been a complete wimp about giving it up, too.  I slowly weaned myself down to half a cup of coffee in the mornings, and as of today I’m living (if you can call it that) caffeine free.  Without my caffeine, I feel like a wind-up doll who hasn’t been properly wound up.  I know this will pass, but I want my energy back soon, please.

*******

I have a friend I only know online, through a fairy tale discussion board and through blogging elsewhere.  This week she announced her pregnancy on her blog and offered (and I think this was largely for my benefit though I can’t be sure) to filter out pregnancy/baby posts for any of her readers who didn’t want to see them.  And I surprised myself, because I did want to read them.  I could feel my heart drop down to my toes when I read her post, but I’m happy for her.  Happy and terrified and trying to focus on the happy.

*******

My brother and his wife are looking to buy a house.  When I told N about this he said, “It sounds like they’re thinking baby.”

“Maybe,” I said.  And then I blurted it out: “I want us to be first.”

“Yeah.”

*******

Mom is coming in two days.  I only have a little more cleaning to do because N, who has watched me do my frantic last-minute whirl of cleaning and who has seen that it inevitably ends up with me crying and stressed out, offered to cook dinner all week so that I could, well, not stress out.  So far his plan has worked.  I may take some of the baby things out of my office and put them in storage.  Partly because I don’t want Mom to have to see them, and partly because I feel like now I can do this.

*******

My coworkers and I went out to lunch together today.  One of our colleagues who’s been retired for a couple of years joined us and I was really glad to see her.  We were sitting at a table in the restaurant, being chatty and noisy, and she leaned across the table and said, “So I heard you were having a baby.”  And I was able to respond without crying, and the conversation picked up again and went on around me.  I was fine, except that I wanted to say more, to tell her all about Teddy and take her back to my office to look at photographs, and it was just not the right time and place for any of that.  It was just a strange, sad, little blip.  Is this scar tissue?  Is this healing?  Is this just resignation?  I don’t know.  I also don’t know if I like it, but at least I’m not a howling mess.  Well, not today.

*******

I do miss you, Teddy, even when I’m not crying.

Why do I have to tell myself that not crying is okay, too?

*******

We are still looking for a new place to live and still hoping, though more feebly now, that we’ll hear back from the person we talked to a couple weeks ago about the cute little house with the brand new roof.  But it’s looking unlikely.

*******

I’m going to buy new sandals for summer.  I’m determined to find a pair that are both cute and comfortable, and I’m going to ask for a pedicure as an early birthday present from my mother so that I can show off both shoes and toes.  Is it pathetic that this plan makes me feel sexier than I have in months?

*******

I am going to see Up this evening.  Don’t worry, I’ve been warned about the beginning and am bringing tissues.

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3 comments

  1. Oh, to be a cat. I want to come back as a cat.


  2. i’ve been wanting to see UP too, we had to cancel the other night, but we are planning to go sunday…but i haven’t been warned?!@?

    pedicures are so good, love that you are having one and getting new sandals too

    xoxo


  3. Completely with you on the caffeine thing.

    I hope you are first too.

    And, on a more frivolous note, I hope you located the pair of sandals that are cute and comfortable in exactly the right proportions. And no, it isn’t pathetic.



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