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Ten Months

June 15, 2009

I still want Teddy back.  Can I have him back, please?

Life is so full right now, so very full.  Things keep happening, and some of them are good, and all of them keep me busy, but I can’t seem to be busy enough to stop missing my boy.

We are moving in August, into the house we so dearly wanted, a crew of contractors will be in our current place this week, fixing interior water damage and driving N and the cats to distraction, Mom was here for a visit, after much scrubbing and vacuuming the house is almost clean, we’ve been having friends over for dinner, and I have new sandals coming in the mail.

While she was here over the weekend, my mom said something like “Once you have a child, you’ll be so busy you won’t know what to do.”  I know she meant it kindly and hopefully, and furthermore, that it’s almost certainly true, but it made me balk and squirm and stumble over my reply.  I had wanted that kind of busy.  That’s what I’d signed up for, in fact.  And if we have another baby, if we are so lucky, part of me will always be thinking, There should be two. And if we end up with two more, I’ll think, There should be three.

For the rest of my life, I  should always be busier than I am.  For the rest of my life, I’ll never be quite as busy as I want to be, even when I’m overwhelmed, overloaded, and dropping balls all over the place.

I’m coming to terms (if not yet to peace) with all of this.  But today I can’t help wondering what it would be like to be mothering a rambunctious 10-month-old.  I can’t stop thinking how nice it would be.  Possibly hair-raising, harried, hectic, and so busy I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, but nice.

Love you, little one.  Wish you were here.

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9 comments

  1. Me too…


  2. I can’t help but wonder either, Erica. I wish I was busy, too.


  3. I know the sting of that particular comment . . . and the feeling that you will always be one short. I wish you were busy. I wish you were seeing what 10 months looks like from a mom’s perspective.


  4. right now, i think it is all about keeping ourselves too busy to think – at least to try to avoid thinking. In addition to the fact that grieving takes up a lot of time and energy.


  5. I had a similar comment recently, when I said to a friend that I sleep as much as possible just to make time go fast.

    “Enjoy it while it lasts”, she said. “You won’t be able to do that soon.” She laughed as she said it, and I could hear her almost-one-year-old babbling in the background.

    What we wouldn’t give to be waken at 6am on Saturday mornings by a baby who doesn’t know the meaning of “weekend”. I so wish Teddy was here with you too.


  6. You got the house. And the sandals are on their way. Good. But all not quite good enough I know.

    As a mama to a surviving twin I’m afraid to say that I think you’re right. You will always be thinking that there should be two. I am not the mama that I want to be, I’m dropping balls fairly consistently even though I’m only looking after one. I can’t stop those thoughts . . . you should be busier, there should be two. Even though I know it would have been such hard work. I still want her back.

    We’ll always have a place for the one more, or two more, or however many more that are missing. Their places will always be marked and noted.

    I think that you will always miss Teddy. He’ll always be your son. He’ll always be your eldest child. You’ll always be his mama.


  7. wishing we were all so much busier with our babes, ah how i long for that busyness…10 months for me too in a few days

    thinking of you and teddy
    xo


  8. I so relate to this. Just not busy enough …

    Remembering Teddy today.


  9. That’s exactly right. I expect that I will spend the rest of my life either trying to catch up or remembering why I have spare time. My life will never be complete.



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