July 23, 2009

It’s coming on August.  I’m more aware of this than usual because of the looming first anniversary of something I desperately wish hadn’t happened, but also because we’re moving at the end of July.

We’ve thought about packing, but haven’t done any actual, you know, packing. However, today a friend dropped off some boxes, and tomorrow I will get a couple of big rolls of packing tape and a sharpie marker, and pack up most of the kitchen.  N has been stressing out about the packing “we” need to do, but I have the sense that most of it will be my job.  Which is fine, so long as I get my butt in gear and do it.

Unfortunately, we can’t move into the new place until mid-August, so the cats will have to go…somewhere, probably to Montana for a stay with my parents.  And we will be availing ourselves of some storage, and then of another moving truck later on.

I need to figure out how to have the place cleaned, right after we’re out, by someone who doesn’t worry about inhaling serious cleaning fluid fumes, to see if we can have the moving truck for a longer period of time than the usual for a local move, and to start wrapping up knick-knacks and weeding books.

I also need to send something wonderful to my dear friend who was in a horrible cycling accident last week and who is finally home after days in the ICU.  I need to get things done, fast.  I need to go, go, go.  And since my main pregnancy symptom so far is fatigue?  I need to harness the energizing power of panic to carry me through the next week.

I’m somewhat grateful for this flurry of activity, this rush and upheaval that is keeping my brain distracted from the approach of August 15 (birthday) and 16 (the day we let him go).  At the same time, I’m afraid that if I don’t take time to prepare (and how does one do that, exactly?), I won’t be able to face these days as I should.  I worry that all this activity will take away from what I want to give Teddy: the memory, the contemplation, the deep sadness, the reflection, the love.

So, wherever we are on the 15th and 16th (and hopefully we’ll be in our new place, if only just) I will light candles; I will take time to sit with N and remember and wish things were otherwise.



  1. I’ll be thinking the same, Erica. For you and for me.

  2. I’ve found that the lead up to anniversaries is often hard, and it is good to have distraction during them. Then give yourself that quiet reflection time on the anniversary days to honor Teddy.

    I’ll be thinking of you as these days approach.

  3. Wishing you ease with all the many things you need to do. Fatigued with you.

  4. I felt similar about Charlotte’s birthday. Life was so busy leading up to it that it almost snuck up on me. I wanted the same as you, and in the end I cleared out that day and we had a quiet weekend, just us.

    Anniversaries are so, so, hard. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. You’ll be in my thoughts. xo

  6. Just thinking of you as Teddy’s birthday approaches and sending endurance vibes for all the other things you must accomplish in the next few weeks.

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