Balance, unbalance

September 4, 2009

I blame the universe.  And the second trimester.

I’m not glowy (like last time) and I don’t have great hair or skin (like last time).  In fact, my face keeps breaking out and my hair is managing to be both lank and frizzy at the same time.  And I have serious roots from when I lightened it before my brother’s wedding in December in my attempt to have happy hair.  I didn’t want my hair to look sad, not at my brother’s wedding, and now I am so cautious of so many things that a corrective coloring is certainly not in my immediate future.

And this week has knocked my on my butt, taken away my balance, made me claw for things to hold onto in a way I haven’t for a long time.

Unbalanced, splotchy, fat, tired, and worried, with bad hair.  This is me.  But in spite of all this, I do sometimes tap into a strange sense of well-being.  I think it’s hormonal, and I’m not assigning it any cosmic significance, but I’m also not going to look this particular gift horse in the mouth, at least not enough to risk losing it.*

I’ve been spending this week vacillating between despair and hope, between conviction that the world is fundamentally and horribly wrong and conviction that the world can be better, between terror for this new life inside me and a quiet, fierce joy that this new life exists at all.  It’s all so miraculous.  It’s all so fucked up.  It’s all so mundane.  It’s all so unfair.  It’s all so extreme.  I don’t know any of the reasons.  I used to think that I did, but I’ve had to let go of that this year.

I’m so scared of my as-yet-unscheduled “big” ultrasound that the only way I can deal with it is to actively not think about it.  It’ll happen in a few weeks; that’s as far as my brain can go.  I wonder, sometimes, if they’d let me go in blindfolded and wearing earplugs.  Then, if anything disturbing is discovered, they can render me indefinitely unconscious before I know about it.

N is dealing with extra anxiety, too, and no wonder – new (and terrifyingly hopeful) pregnancy, Teddy’s anniversary, lots of family not remembering the dates of Teddy’s anniversary, classes starting, a slowly dying but much-needed car, a painfully drawn-out move and an old landlord who seems to be charging us for every little thing she can think of (even after we moved, probably to help pay for the roof she should have fixed for us way back in December).  We watch the news much less than we did, we worry more about family and friends than we did.  We hold each other a lot, off-balance and clinging until we can stand again and go about the things we need to do.  He’s amazingly brave and strong, my N.  This is not easy for him, the force with which the world hits us now, but he still holds me up, no matter what he’s going through.

Sometimes, when the world batters you till you have to fight for breath, two feet aren’t enough to balance on.  Sometimes you need to hold onto someone and stand on four.

*Though this expression always makes me wonder how the story would have turned out if the citizens of Troy had looked their particular gift horse in the mouth.



  1. Holding onto hope with you. xo

  2. Ahh yes, the glow from last time has gone from me, too. Bad, dry skin being the number one culprit.
    I hate how the “big” ultrasounds mean a very different thing to babylost mums. Not just a chance for a cute sneak-peek at baby and a gender reveal, but finding out what, if any, catastrophic things could be wrong. I stuck my head in the sand in the weeks leading up to mine. There really is no other way. But do know I’m thinking of you.

  3. I’m also in the bad skin-bad hair-fat club. It’s horrible.

    Wow, that ultrasound is coming up soon. I’ll be thinking of you.

  4. Right there with you. I was positively terrified leading up to the 20 wk u/s. Since the good news, I’ve been able to breath out, just a little.

  5. This post really resonates with me, even though I’m at a different stage of the journey than you. I’m feeling quite unbalanced now too (and trying to gather myself to write about it, but basically, my stillborn daughter’s due date and my living son’s birthday are both this month). And, although I’m not currently pregnant, I totally hear you on the ultrasound fear, too. I’m thinking of you, hoping for more times of peace and balance for you and your husband too, and glad you have each other to lean on.

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