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September 16, 2009

more roses

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, didn’t enjoy my morning cup of tea, almost forgot to brush my hair before heading to work.  I felt wrong, and off, and off-balance, and as I was grabbing my jacket on the way out the door, I realized why.

It’s the 16th again.

I didn’t think about it much, or consciously, but somehow I expected that, after a full year had passed, I wouldn’t have to pay attention to the month markers, that they wouldn’t hit me, or would at least hit more gently.  If I had thought about it, I would have told myself that this was naive and irrational, that I already knew that there is nothing magical about one year, and if I’d told myself these things, maybe I would have been a little more prepared.

So here I am, having a quiet weep in my office.  It helps, in some ways, to know what it is that is making me feel so blue, but the floodgates of memory have opened up again, and this is always a bittersweet, hard thing.

Thirteen months since we said, This is too much.  We don’t want any more pain for him; we don’t want any more cold pads, or surgeries, or drugs.  We want to keep him as long as we can but because we love him, we have to let him go.

And it’s been a year since that first month’s anniversary, when I couldn’t believe how much time had passed, when I was so afraid of all the days laid out before me – days without Teddy.  Today is not that bad.  I’ll keep telling myself this, and maybe it’ll help.

But it still hurts.

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7 comments

  1. Thinking of you and Teddy and sending hugs. I had a day like this too recently – on Monday, my living child’s birthday – that made me much more sad, more aware of my lost baby, than I had expected. It’s just so hard.


  2. *big hugs* The memories still hurt, but we have learned that we will survive the pain


  3. Erica, I always find it amazing how our bodies know even before we realize the date. I think we all fall into the one year trap, even though we know that one year doesn’t make things better, because it is too hard to look further ahead than that. So we get through a day, a week, a month, the first holiday, the birthday, a year. And then we start over again. It is different, than a year ago, but it is still hard. Be gentle with yourself on these days. Peace and hugs.


  4. I have been wondering about this – am I allowed to still wallow on the 19th now that one year has passed? Does it mean I only get this one day of sorrow a year, rather than 12? I think for me too, it is looking back to this time last year. One month out was so cruel. I was so broken and raw. So rather than remembering her and all that was lost on that August day last year, I am thinking of the freshly grieving me, now 12 months down the track.
    Gee, look how far I’ve come….
    xo


  5. ((hugs))
    Grief knows no expiration, as love knows not either.
    xo


  6. sending you so much love erica
    the sadness creeps up on me too, just when i’m feeling ok. the sadness will always be there with us. and the love we have for our sons will always be with us too.
    xoxo


  7. As the days become months I think we do look at “how far we’ve come”. But there are always the reminders of how far there is to go too. I’m sorry I’m a little late coming to this post.



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