October 5, 2009

Friday ended with hot fudge sundaes and quiet celebration.

The u/s went as well as we could have hoped. Everything looks good (“perfect” and “fabulous” and “really good,” our tech said). We saw a very pretty image of the heart exactly where it should be in the chest and of the stomach exactly where it should be in the abdomen and of the dividing line that is the diaphragm between them. At which point it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I had to cry a little.

After spending so much of last year crying, crying with relief felt soul-cleansing, sweet.  I know that things can still go wrong, that we have many, many weeks to go, but for now things are good (one of my words) and I’m going to let myself rest in that knowledge for as long as I can.

We had a good talk with the tech.  She was the first one to suspect a problem with Teddy, and we were finally able to thank her for that, for her vigilance and skill.  I had the sense that this was a relief to her – “there may be a problem” isn’t the kind of news you want to give parents.  We talked to her a little about what she could tell us during this scan and what she couldn’t, and she said she’d let us know if she suspected anything might be wrong; she was probably almost as happy as we were not to have anything out of the ordinary to report.

I was (and am) so ridiculously happy to get good news.  And I’m sad that Teddy and I didn’t get to have this, too.  The joys of a good ultrasound are some of the first things we missed, the start of all of the other missing that I’ll be working on in the coming years.

Our little girl (baby is definitely a girl) seems to look a lot like her brother.  I could be imagining this  – how much can you tell from these skeletal ultrasound images, really? – but I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing many glimpses of him in her.  I want to be careful about this, because Dot (baby’s prenatal name) is going to be her own person, and I want her to be loved as her individual self, but I think she is already bringing me closer to Teddy in ways I hadn’t expected.  A bittersweet, but right now mostly sweet, gift.

I love you, Dot.  I love you, Teddy.



  1. Wonderful news! Continue to grow big and strong, little Dot!

    The baby I lost was my second child, and she died at 28 weeks gestation. I’ve spent a fair amount of time comparing both her ultrasound and newborn pictures to her living brother’s and I think if she had been full term she would have looked a whole lot like he did at birth. I love that he gives me that glimpse of her, although he is also a reminder of what I’m missing out on with her. But I’m so grateful to have him here with me. Tangled and bittersweet, but the sweet is there, yes.

    So happy and relieved with and for you that, for now, things look good and fine and normal. Sending hugs…

  2. Oh Erica, a little girl! Congratulations. But moreso, congratulaitons on all the “good, fine, normal” news you got. I had been hanging for this post. Thanks for updating us.
    Grow little Dot, grow.

  3. Excellent news (and hot fudge sundaes an excellent way to celebrate). Reading this brought me back to my big ultrasound with Kathleen and the surprise at just how relieved I felt. I am reveling in the good news with you.

  4. so happy for you erica. so glad you can feel a sense of relief and happiness. you so deserve it. sending so much love to you and teddy’s little sister.

  5. Great news, Erica! It made me tear up to read this post, I am happy for you.
    There are instances and many pictures in which Lyra resembles her brother so closely. It breaks my heart totally, every single time. But as you said, I also know clearly she is her own person, and in some sense, that has helped me in letting go…

  6. All sounds so familiar Erica…the weight of relief being lifted, the eerie similarity of the u/s pics…we’ve been dealing with a lot of the same. So happy for you that Dot is doing well.

  7. all the right parts in all the right places is good news!

  8. I’m so glad that the scan went well. And a little girl!

    I’m so sorry that you didn’t have this experience with Teddy. I’m sorry for the all the things that you will miss with your son. I’m glad that you find the connection between Teddy and Dot mainly sweet rather than bitter. I think I feel the same way about my girls.

    I hope that you and Dot enjoy many, many more things together including hot fudge sundaes. Yum. xo

  9. Fantastic! I am so happy everything seems to be going well. Hang in there and I will keep praying and wishing…

    You will undoubtably grow closer to Teddy through Dot.

  10. Oh Erica. I’m so pleased that things are going well with little (pink!) Dot. Emma looked a lot like her big sister at birth and there is definitely a comfort in the connection.

  11. Oh, this is just wonderful. I am so happy to read this post.

  12. I have tears of joy in my eyes, Erica. Yay… Keep feeling the love, for Dot and for Teddy.

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