October 12, 2009

The cold hit my neck of the woods so quickly that many of the autumn leaves froze, green.  And so they will fall, crunchy and green, their autumn glories given up until some other year.  The autumn coloring that we do have seems dull and dusty, inhibited by the sudden cold snap.

If I could I’d ask the winter chill if it was supposed to be here last autumn, if there was some mix up in the weather delivery.  After all, I was so damned sad last autumn and the season persisted in being cruelly gorgeous with sunset-colored leaves and mild but crisp autumn days.  This year the trees seem sad.  Maybe the trees and I should have been this sad together?

We walked, through crunchy green leaves, down to the hardware store yesterday to get a new drain for the sink.  On the way back the wind blew in our faces until my nose dripped and N’s ears ached with cold.

If Teddy were here, he’d need a good winter coat, and mittens, and hats.  But we’d run through the sad, faded, fallen leaves and laugh at the crunches his small feet made.  We’d be thinking of happy mundane things like Halloween costumes and whether or not we’d let him have any candy, about play dates and trips to the park and whether or not we’d get photos taken for Christmas cards.

I’m not as sad as I was last year, but there are days like today where I just miss and miss and miss him until the trees start to look sympathetic and my brain just wants to give up.

I miss you, baby boy.  I love you.  I don’t know where you are, but I hope you know that.



  1. Missing him with you, Erica. Lovely post.

  2. all our future memories shattered. missing having a one year old with you, stomping in the leaves and buying hats and warm clothes and halloween costumes. another season without them.

  3. I wish that Teddy was here with you. Sometimes I still have days when the sheer ‘missing’ just knocks the breath out of my body.

    I hope Teddy knows how much you love him, how much you miss him. I hope all our babies do. xo

  4. Days like that are so hard. And he does know you love him.

  5. I was at Macy’s the other day looking for clothes for Dahlia, and I stopped to look at a dress for a little toddler and thought how pretty Tikva would look in it if she were still here, toddling around. I just stood and looked at it for a while and just let myself be with that. Just how pretty she would have looked in a dress at just over one year old.

  6. the season changes do bring it, don’t they?

    All the things we could be doing, just come unwanted into our minds.

  7. I read this last night and as so often happens I felt connection yet didn’t have words. But these three images are still with me: you and Teddy laughing and running through the leaves, how cruel the beauty and glory of fall must have seemed last year, and the sadness of the trees. This trio has been playing in a sad little montage in my head. Hugs.

  8. *big hugs* I wish he were here to wear the darn mittens..

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