We had an extra growth ultrasound on the 23. Our doctor was planning on giving us one anyway, for reassurance purposes, but I’m measuring ahead enough so that it was actually a pretty good idea.
The ultrasound was mostly fine. Dot is big for her age, and looks good (as good as any baby can look on an ultrasound machine, anyway). We have a couple of profile shots of her, now, and I think she may have N’s nose. But there’s a little extra fluid.
Extra amniotic fluid. Polyhydramnios. Hydramnios. In the large majority of the cases where this shows up, there is no attributable cause, no problem, no Big Bad lurking in the wings. In some cases, it’s due to high blood sugar levels, and while I don’t have GD, we’ve been monitoring my blood sugars and they have been a little high. It’s very unlikely that this is caused by a condition or birth defect. Very unlikely. It could be nothing.
But polyhydramnios is also one of the symptoms of CDH. It’s the thing that, when I was pregnant with Teddy, showed up on my second ultrasound with the specialist that made him say, “I really don’t think anything is wrong, but we’ll check in another couple of weeks to make sure.” And in another couple of weeks, the wrongness was all too apparent.
I try not to be sad that, while I’m hoping so very much that Dot arrives safe and healthy, I can’t count on it. I should be used to this by now, and I almost am. I don’t know if that’s really depressing, or if it’s just a healthy state of mind considering the circumstances.
And, of course, it could mean nothing, or nothing bad.
So, except when I’m caught late at night with too many thoughts running through my brain, my answer to dealing with this piece of information is, mostly, to deny it. I pretend it doesn’t exist. I pretend it doesn’t matter. And while this isn’t entirely intentional (there is part of my mind that simply cannot think about this too much right now), it works surprisingly well – we had a really lovely holiday and I’m still able to function at work. I can enjoy the falling snow and get a kick from playing with the wonderfully distracting new phone that N gave me for Christmas. I try not to be haunted by the fact that things can always get worse.
And tonight there will be hot chocolate (spicy and delicious) and a walk in the snow and perhaps an episode of Buffy, and life will go on.