Powdered sugar

December 22, 2009

Snow has fallen lightly, in spite of the weather experts’ best guesses, covering my local landscape with a dusting of white that reminds me of nothing so much as powdered sugar over beignets (though the snow may not be quite that thick).

I really wanted this snow.  I am currently being good-naturedly blamed for it by some of me friends and coworkers who aren’t as fond of the winter as I am.  If I could control the weather, I tell them, I’d be making a lot more money.

Where does it come from, the idea that simple human desire can cause things to happen, even things like snow?  Why is it so hard to let go of that idea even when faced with incontrovertible proof that my desires really don’t sway the spheres in any meaningful way?  Mind over matter – sometimes it seems to work and sometimes matter takes one look at mind and says, “Nice try, Buddy, but it’s not gonna happen.”

There are times when I need to remind myself, I don’t control the weather, I couldn’t control Teddy’s life and death, I can’t control others’ actions, I can’t bring dark and terrible things upon myself just because of a moment of happiness.  I’m not that important in the grand scheme of things, and frankly, this is something of a blessing.

December is a good time to make peace with the many things I can’t control, but it’s difficult to let go of the desire to shape the world to my will, even if it’s impossible.  Dot is 32 weeks and all (so far, so far) seems to be just fine.  But there’s not much I can do to make sure she’s okay besides take care of myself and avoid caffeine and potentially dangerous foods.  It just doesn’t feel like enough.

But snow, even a light powdering of it, is a wish granted.  I didn’t cause it, but I’ll take it and enjoy it.  And if there’s a fairy godmother responsible, well then, thank you, Fairy Godmother.  And would it be bad form for me to ask you about your whereabouts in 2008?



  1. Hmmmm, looks yummy. “But snow, even a light powdering of it, is a wish granted. I didn’t cause it, but I’ll take it and enjoy it.” Me too . . . . Lovely post.

  2. No, it doesn’t feel like enough does it? We can only keep holding the hope and enjoying the good things (such as snow) when they come along.

  3. thinking of you and Dot. wish i could be your fairy godmother

  4. I don’t know where that idea comes from? But it persists and there must be something in it that humans find irresistible. Perhaps because the alternative is simply too frightening for us to cope with?
    Thinking of you and Dot and remembering your sweet Teddy. If you ever do catch up with that fairy godmother, please ask her what happened in 2008 on my behalf too. xo

  5. Thinking of you, Erica. the last stretchy can be insane. My ears are open anytime you need them, and my heart with you. xo

  6. sending you peace and wishing we all had our wishes granted by our fairy godmothers….love to you and dot and teddy too.

    merry xmas

  7. I’m a bit late to this post, but I’m so glad I read it today. I’ve been struggling a little with fin de siecle malaise and in a strange way I find it comforting to be reminded that all of this stuff is out of control. It also reminded of one of my favourite platitudes:”if wishes were fishes we’d all cast nets.”

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