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Not just a river in Egypt

December 30, 2009

We had an extra growth ultrasound on the 23. Our doctor was planning on giving us one anyway, for reassurance purposes, but I’m measuring ahead enough so that it was actually a pretty good idea.

The ultrasound was mostly fine. Dot is big for her age, and looks good (as good as any baby can look on an ultrasound machine, anyway).  We have a couple of profile shots of her, now, and I think she may have N’s nose.  But there’s a little extra fluid.

Extra amniotic fluid.  Polyhydramnios.  Hydramnios.  In the large majority of the cases where this shows up, there is no attributable cause, no problem, no Big Bad lurking in the wings.  In some cases, it’s due to high blood sugar levels, and while I don’t have GD, we’ve been monitoring my blood sugars and they have been a little high.  It’s very unlikely that this is caused by a condition or birth defect.  Very unlikely.  It could be nothing.

But polyhydramnios is also one of the symptoms of CDH.  It’s the thing that, when I was pregnant with Teddy, showed up on my second ultrasound with the specialist that made him say, “I really don’t think anything is wrong, but we’ll check in another couple of weeks to make sure.”  And in another couple of weeks, the wrongness was all too apparent.

I try not to be sad that, while I’m hoping so very much that Dot arrives safe and healthy, I can’t count on it.  I should be used to this by now, and I almost am.  I don’t know if that’s really depressing, or if it’s just a healthy state of mind considering the circumstances.

And, of course, it could mean nothing, or nothing bad.

So, except when I’m caught late at night with too many thoughts running through my brain, my answer to dealing with this piece of information is, mostly, to deny it.  I pretend it doesn’t exist.  I pretend it doesn’t matter.  And while this isn’t entirely intentional (there is part of my mind that simply cannot think about this too much right now), it works surprisingly well – we had a really lovely holiday and I’m still able to function at work.  I can enjoy the falling snow and get a kick from playing with the wonderfully distracting new phone that N gave me for Christmas.  I try not to be haunted by the fact that things can always get worse.

And tonight there will be hot chocolate (spicy and delicious) and a walk in the snow and perhaps an episode of Buffy, and life will go on.

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11 comments

  1. Oh Erica, just holding my breath and clenching my fist for you and little Dot. This must be unbelievably tough, denial seems like a good strategy for now.

    Love to you xx


  2. Hugs. I know every little thing that ‘might’ be wrong or might be something is like a punch in the gut.

    Nothing is easy. Nothing is guaranteed. We just have to live in the moment because that is all we have.

    Almost there though!!!!! fingers crossed Dot makes it here safely


  3. Hoping that this means absolutely nothing at all.

    Denial seems like a perfectly reasonable option to me. Once you have been on the wrong side of an unlikely outcome, it is hard to remember that things usually go well.

    Hoping with all my might for you, N and little Dot. xx


  4. i don’t know if this would make you feel better or not but ultrasounds do not perfectly predict the levels of amniotic fluid or size of the baby, it’s just a general guideline.
    It’s been known to be wrong! If everything else looks good than keep up the good vibes!

    Wish you the best


  5. We have some borderline tests too (although not so serious as this I think – and I really hope it is NOTHING!) and I have been rafting denial too.

    Fight for the follow-ups that you need! Since your sugars are running high, can you limit your sweets (I don’t know if that helps or not).

    At our last ultrasound, our girl was measuring big (by about 2 oz from the upper limit- which at 2 lbs is alot) and I am trying really hard not to worry about it. It’s all mind games!!!!


  6. I hope all turns out well.


  7. I’m floating down that river myself.


  8. In my case this was neglected and downplayed by my Dr and it turned out (well you can imagine). I didn’t have high sugar or anything, I’m not sure what it was actually, but ultrasound did show very high fluid.

    I hope that everything goes well, and that the Drs are on top of their game and wish you all the best.


  9. I truly hope it’s “one of those things”. I so wish we were all guaranteed super straight forward pregnancies after our losses. It doesn’t seem a lot to ask.


  10. Good thoughts going to you and Dot, I will be hoping that all is fine.


  11. Sorry I’m late reading this. Hoping all is fine, I know the stress all too well.



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