March 8, 2010

I keep poking her or pulling on her little hands to make sure she’s only sleeping. I have a feeling I’ll be doing this, one way or another, for her entire life, and I can only hope that it doesn’t drive her crazy.

And I find myself looking at her every day, wondering if her brother would have been this alert at this age, if he would have been making the same kinds of small grunting noises when starting to nurse, how his personality would have started to make itself known.

It’s such a joy getting to know this baby, but such a wrench (and the postpartum hormones probably haven’t helped with this) to see so many of the details of what we’ve been missing.


  1. That last paragraph – yes, oh yes.


  2. It’s so surreal , isn’t it?

    With my first son, before I lost my daughter, I did the same thing, kept poking him or putting my ear next to his mouth to see if he was breathing or just sleeping. So I think it’s a mom thing, not necessarily a loss mom thing.
    They sleep so still sometimes.

    I think we will always wonder what might have been..*sigh*

  3. I feel the same way.

  4. Thank you for sharing Dot’s picture in your last post – she’s beautiful and looks quite perfect.

    Yes, it does perpetuate. This needs to check. The amazement. My husband often says “I still can’t believe he’s here”… and HE (our CT) is 2 years old!

    We still monitor CT’s sleep, and I panic a bit when it’s been too quiet a night. The knowledge of the permanance and pain of child loss, in my experience, does very much influence living child parenting style. You will adapt to it, and so will Dot. (And hopefully, we won’t do terribly too much damage!) đŸ™‚

  5. I know exactly what you mean. I had 2 miscarriages before having my first son and once he got here I didn’t want to put him down-ever! lol. I was a little better when I had my twins cuz I was just too exhausted.
    Now after losing Ireland and waiting for this new little baby to come I know it’s going to be exactly the same.
    And I totally understand about wondering how he would have been. I know I’m going to feel that way.

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