Please explain

June 7, 2010

how, after almost two years out,  after a fun and happy weekend, I can be having a good morning filled with checking things off my to-do list and a pleasant conversation with a friendly colleague who brought a book by for Dot, how I can be hooked up to the breastpump in my office, going through emails from the weekend (delete, delete, delete, read, delete) and all of a sudden miss Teddy so much I can’t stop crying.

I’m lucky, damn it.  I have a beautiful daughter and a husband who’s also my best friend, and a job I like, and I can finally fit into my non-maternity pants again.  What’s wrong with me?

It may be the beginnings of summer, or the fact that I realized I was happy, or maybe I can blame oxytocin?  But it suddenly feels raw again and I’m reduced to the tired old wail of I want you back.  I want you back.

And I’m out of tissues.

Damn it.

Miss you, my huckleberry.  Sending love out to wherever you are.


  1. Because what’s up must come down. The more happiness we have with the ones that made it, the more we long for the ones who didn’t. The changing of seasons always screws me up as well. Another season without them..

    *big hugs to you mama!* I wish he was here with you too.

    • Ah, ((((hugs)))) Being happy doesn’t mean you won’t still miss the child who isn’t with you, and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed sadness when you feel that longing for your child. Peace, mommy.

  2. Erica, thinking of you and your mix of emotions and the upwelling for Teddy that will continue to come. Happiness and gratitude for what you have still leaves space to miss what you don’t. Hugs.

  3. Damn you, August. Why do you have to be so soon again?


  4. Another one who hates August chiming in.
    I can’t explain my dear. I only know that I also have these moments when the tired old wail starts up again, although I am lucky too. More lucky than I could ever deserve. But . . .damn it. Still miss her. I know I always will.

  5. Indeed, because August is coming, faster than we can possibly be ready. But regardless of the month, I have a hunch it will always be like this.

  6. i too think we will always have the longing and missing for our first borns- wondering what it would have been like and thinking about how it should have been – even while we are so grateful and in love with our second born babes. it’s bittersweet. also not looking forward to august and can’t believe it’s already two years.

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