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Thank you

September 10, 2010

Thanks to all of you who remembered Teddy with me during the week of his birth.  It helps (and sometimes it’s the only thing that does) to know that my little guy is remembered, and I am so grateful to all of you for that.

I’m sitting here in an office that looks like a disaster site, wondering if the Very Important Papers I need are at the bottom of a pile on the floor, or at the bottom of one of the piles on my desk.  I am wearing no makeup and have circles under my eyes that would make me look haunted and interesting if I weren’t, well, let’s face it, too puffy and round a person to pull off haunted and interesting.  I am recovering from a cold so my trash can is overflowing with tissues and none of the cough drops I’ve tried so far seem to be working.  I have spilled coffee and breastmilk (I may, someday, miss pumping milk, but I doubt it – there’s an entire post in this somewhere as I know it’s something I should appreciate more) on my keyboard.

Today I was paid, and roughly 80% of my paycheck went to the people who take care of Dot while I work, so I’ll be making lots of recipes with tuna and beans this week, and we may have to forgo some organic produce.  I’m still wearing maternity pants because my belly sometimes craves the comfort of elastic and I’m too vain to buy non-maternity clothes with elastic waists.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over a month, and I haven’t had a great night’s sleep since November 2009.

From outward appearances, I’m a mess, and so is my life.

But I feel like I may have weathered the storm that, this year, was August.  I poke my head outside my cave and look at the sky, searching for storm clouds, and find only a few that are vaguely threatening.  The air smells like rain instead of like heartache.

I look at a photograph of Teddy’s sweet, stubborn little face and think about how I miss him and about how he was so beautiful – it’s not just my imagination; he really was. It still aches, but instead of the crazy and unpredictable pain that throbbed and stabbed its way through August, this is the old pain again, my familiar, mostly-bearable pain.  I welcome it back, carry it with me through the day.  I stretch my arms out and smile at September.

I love you, Baby.

I think he knows.


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6 comments

  1. Another year…

    I’ve heard it gets easier – still waiting for that myself.

    take care.


  2. Erica, I’m sure he knows. Welcome back from the cave.


  3. Great post. As you know, I’m right there with you. Feeling and thinking so much of what you are feeling and thinking.
    Thank god for September (and for us on this side of the world at least, nicer weather).
    xo


  4. Rain instead of heartache. Well that’s pretty perfect, Erica.

    What a beautiful post. x


  5. I am sure he knows. I think he sent the smell of rain, too.


  6. I’m new here. I read over many of your entries and appreciate so much your honest and beautiful writing.
    I’m so sorry you lost Teddy. I was honored to read about some of it.



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