February 4, 2011

Do you find yourself having more trouble doing things you need to do (making phone calls, sending email messages, starting projects, etc.) than before your loss?

I do all right, but so many days I feel like I really have to push myself, to get past some sort of initial wall of panic or malaise that wasn’t there before, and I’ve grown accustomed to it, but I’m not sure it’s how things are supposed to be. Frankly I’m tired of needing to give myself so many pep talks just to get through a normal workday.

In so many ways I’m happier than I’ve been for a long time. N and I are getting some more together time these days, Dot is doing well at the childcare center, work is interesting, and I’m grateful for all of it.

But I still need to attack so many mole hills as if they were mountains to get things (the work, the parenting, the partnering) done.

It may just be that being strong takes a lot of, well, strength. Of course, it may be time to talk to the doctor, even though that means I’ll have to talk to other people, too.



  1. To answer your question – a resounding yes. Especially making phone calls (I really only call my mum and sister) and answering the phone. For the first time in my life, I screen. This is a huge shift for someone who was previously a huge social extrovert with a phone always glued to her ear.

  2. For quite awhile yes, but it seems to have passed for me. Although I do think I have simplified a lot of obligations. Although I still don’t like doing personal calls on the phone now as much as I used to.

    Why not just try a counselor? Maybe you need some more time to sort through some things – maybe even little side things you aren’t aware of.

    I’ve also found that if I don’t spend enough time in dead baby land, reading, writing, commenting, the rest of my life runs less smoothly. I need space for it.


  3. I was going to say I experienced this in the beginning and now during difficult times (obvious ones like anniversary time and unexpected ones), but I realized that even when things are going well, I find myself with lack of energy to do little things–even ones I want to do.

  4. Absolutely I do. I feel like I just. slowed. down. I fill my days up with so much stuff precisely so that I will get things done. I know that sounds silly but on a quiet day, say if I’m working at home, I will just go back to bed and hide from my inbox.

  5. Yes. Oh, yes.

    I think it’s because there’s a lot of extra energy used in the processing of grief – even “old” grief – so it leaves less energy behind to do all the other day-to-day stuff you used to have plenty of mental space and energy to accomplish. Before grief the necessary energy was readily available. Now, not so much.

    Having just lost my dad 5 weeks ago, I’m getting reacquainted with that intense “general malaise” that grief brings along with it.

    I think it’s been with me for years – since my son died – but it has certainly ramped up since my dad passed away.

    I think it’s something we just have to accept, as grieving people. That’s not to say that talking to someone might not help you cope with it – I saw a therapist for a year and a half after our most recent loss in 2007 and highly recommend it – but I don’t think it every completely goes away. Because the grief doesn’t every completely go away either.


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