March 14, 2011

It is Spring Break, and if all goes well and we don’t back out, tomorrow we will drive West and spend some days in Portland. We will meet friends and visit the world’s best bookstore, and walk through the Japanese Garden in the spring time. N is excited to visit Voodoo Donuts and I am looking forward to some days of not cooking. Chances are good it will rain.

We will return, finally, to the hospital where Teddy was born and died. We will walk in the children’s garden and I will stand in front of that statue of the Tin Man and I will try to stare him down and fail. I will want to hug and kick that statue at the same time. I will sit on the bench where I sat with my firstborn as he took his last breaths, and I will carry my daughter to the place where his name is on the memorial and I will tell her, you had a brother and he was so, so beautiful.

I will remember who I was, who we were. I will send my love out to my baby boy and to that stunned and stricken couple and hope that love can travel backwards in time, that it can reach us where we were, not to make anything easier, but to offer some glimpse of a future that isn’t all one raw and gaping wound.

Maybe when we come back I will feel stronger, saner, wiser – I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just be less afraid of driving westward and less overwhelmed by the memories that are rooted there.




  1. Love to you on your travels. And love to your past selves too.

  2. I will be thinking of you and N. I’m sure I’d be wanting to hug AND kick that Tin Man statue too. I wouldn’t know which to do first. The post you wrote mentioning him has stuck in my mind.

    I hope that your love will reach back and find your dear boy and your former selves.

  3. Whatever this visit brings, I hope it is what you need. Safe travels!

  4. Sending you so much love for your venture west. Holding Teddy close.

  5. I hopeyour visit went well, that you did whatever you needed to do to the tin man and that you do, indeed, feel stronger, saner and wiser.

  6. I hope your trip went well. ((hugs))

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