November 9, 2011

Her face crumples and there’s so much frustration and disappointment there that it hits me like a lash.

I don’t listen or watch closely enough to understand.
I can’t  or won’t give her what she wants.
Why can’t I understand?
Why can’t she open the box/put on her shoes/take off her diaper/pour her own bath/have more chocolate/wear rainbow jammies to school?

She arches her back, screaming, and flops to the floor, waving us away. Our hands are useless and annoying, our voices infuriate her, our worried faces apparently just piss her off. She is mad, mad, mad and she will not suffer any more of our foolish bumbling because she is mad, dammit.

It hurts N dreadfully. He wants to fix it, fix her, make her happy. Here, darling, have some more chocolate. Want to dance? Want a song? Want to go for a walk and look at the moon? Want a bubble bath?

It hurts me, too, but I’ve been toughened by a bit more exposure to her tears. Also, I think, already, she’s a bit like me, sometimes needing some space. We have a baby book that says I should hold her, but so far I can’t bring myself to use a hug as a restraint, even for her own good. I sit next to her on the floor, and I tell her I’ll stay with her. Sometimes I put my hand on her forehead, or rub her belly, but usually she flails her arms at me until I stop. Sometimes I pick up one of her books and read it, slowly, calmly, stopping to look at her, to let her know I’m paying attention.

She can really scream, this daughter of mine. Her cheeks bright red, her eyes squeezed closed, her small legs kicking.

But, after not too long, she pauses, gasps, looks at me with frightened eyes, and holds our her arms.

Now, I can hold her, hug her, wrap her up in my arms and rub her back and make soothing noises and kiss her head. Her arms wrap around my neck, strong and tight and hot, and relief washes over both of us.

“Was that frightening, baby? You were really frustrated, weren’t you?”

And we re-enter what passes for normal life around here.

I used to joke about how hard life must have been for Jesus’ younger siblings. “Why can’t you be more like your big brother?” would be something they’d end up hearing quite a lot, I imagine. I try not to compare my children, and in many ways that’s easy. They are so very different – Teddy is a boy, Dot is a girl, Teddy is dead, Dot is alive. Teddy (or his ashes, anyway) rest quietly in my dresser drawer, Dot runs through the house testing out new words, like “ferocious.” I don’t think I do compare them, really, but I do wonder how his baby- and toddler-hood would have been, and I seem to have convinced myself somehow that Teddy would have been my calm and snugly child. I have no reason to think this, and if Teddy had lived he may have treated us to some wicked tantrums, too. I’ll never know.

As it is, he is remarkably well-behaved and tantrum-free, isn’t he? My quiet oldest child. So well-behaved and quiet I hardly notice him in the room.

I don’t want to turn Teddy into Jesus. I don’t want Dot to ever have to think of her big brother as some sort of canonized, pedestal-ed example she can never live up to. For one thing, she can’t live up to him, and she is remarkably and joyously alive, my girl. For another, I really don’t want to idealize Teddy too much. He was a beautiful little boy who kicked and wiggled exuberantly in my belly, who nestled in my arms like he belonged there. He was our baby and we loved him. That is what he was. Not a saint, or a godling, or a message, or a lesson. Just our baby.

I wish he could have been more. I wish I knew what his tantrums looked like, or that he could be here to watch Dot with a puzzled look on his face, or that he was here to clamor for attention. Of course I wish that.

But he’s not here. So I hold Dot and wonder if her brother would have done this, too. I miss the arms that never wrapped themselves around my neck while memorizing the feeling of my daughter’s arms, that do. I hold her and I’m grateful for the ferocity of her, for the strong will, the climbing, the vigor with which she grabs onto life, even when that vigor is manifested in a shrieking, flailing, yelling tantrum.


  1. Well conveyed. I do love the expression of wanting to know what all aspects of them would have been like, because we do..

  2. So well written.. and kudos to you for doing such an amazing job during a tantrum. I have lost my shit once or twice during a tantrum and tried to scream louder than my child. Didn’t work obviously. So thank you for sharing this. I wish all of us could know what it would be like to parent the baby who is no longer in our arms. The wonder will linger all my life I suspect…

  3. You nailed the tantrum. I felt my inadequate anxiety of feeling like nothing works rising as I read this. And you made me think about comparing my kids. I do, but more in their likes and dislikes or things they used or did, not personality. I have been slowly taking down some of the pictures of Henry and putting up some of K & E so that our whole family is represented.

  4. Oh tantrums. Oh boy. He throws a good one here, this boy does. And like you, I too imagine the missing older sister as some sort of quiet, angelic child. Always so well behaved. I guess it is easy to imagine her that way. Quiet and angelic.
    Much to relate to in this post. Good luck with the next tantrum. That’s the thing about this age, you know the next one is never far away!

  5. I’m here from Mel’s wishing post- albeit a bit late. What a beautiful post you’ve written here. I am sorry for your pain, but wish you peace, whatever your path entails. I hope somebody can find a way to make some of your wishes come true.

  6. When it became clear that Kaia was likely never going to exclusively breast feed and I would have to keep pumping if I wanted to give her breast milk I remember thinking “I bet Aidan would have breast fed just perfectly”… I have absolutely NO reason to think that or believe in its truth, but it was the first thing that happened that frustrated me about having a live baby. She wouldn’t breastfeed and it disappointed me, ergo my dead baby would have been ‘better’ at it. I think your mind just naturally does this. Makes the other (dead) one ‘perfect’ in ways your living child isn’t. But nobody’s perfect and Aidan and Teddy would have had their foibles too. They just never got a chance to show them off.

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