September 11, 2014

Here’s a tour of the jumbled museum of my brain. It’s a working museum, so things may move as you look around. Also, there are tigers.

Exhibit 1:  I made a budget spreadsheet and N has agreed to fill in his bills and expenses so that we can finally work together on our finances. Like actual grown-ups. I think this is going to be really good. Also, as the daughter of an accountant, I should have done it years ago.

Exhibit 2: On August 23, I will have been married eight years. I’ve been thinking about all the ways in which my life is better for sharing it with N, even when we aren’t especially good at sharing. Eight years might be a long relationship by Hollywood standards, but it’s still a very young relationship in a lot of ways – a grade schooler of a marriage – enthusiastic, learning a lot, making mistakes, growing up a bit more every day. I am looking forward to seeing what our marriage is like when it’s 30 (even though that takes a certain leap of imagination and hope that borders on tempting fate).

Exhibit 3:  I think I need to just write this out: I really want to have another baby. I long for another baby with a longing that’s connected to but not the same thing as my longing to have Teddy back. I really don’t think we can afford another baby, or that it would be a good idea for my family. But I want one anyway. Now that I’m 40, I need to stop telling myself that there is still time. There might be a tiny window of time, but I think, by and large, my decision has been made for me. I don’t know when I’ll make peace with this. I am angry and sad and perhaps not as appreciative of the new babies in my life as I want to be right now. I am trying to keep this from turning into bitterness.

Exhibit 4: Dot has been wanting to sleep in her own bed for the past few nights. For the past few nights, there hasn’t been a baby – okay, a preschooler – in the middle of our bed. Of course, for the past few nights either N or I has been sleeping in her room with her, but I still think it’s progress toward a sleeping arrangement I’ve been looking forward to for a while now.

Exhibit 5: We had our first freeze last night and the maple trees outside my office window are obligingly changing colors. I love this time of year, but everything about it strikes me as strikingly clear, and piercing, and – not merciless, but absolute – in its beauty. The blue of the sky, the sharpness in the air, the hint of frost in the air – it’s the kind of beauty that breaks your heart for loving it. I don’t regret having my heart broken this way, but I sometimes wonder if I’m going to be strong enough to make it to October.

Exhibit 6: I wish there was a class or support group for socially awkward and introverted middle-aged women trying to make friends. When I was growing up my mom and the neighborhood moms all knew each other and had coffee and talked on the phone, but while I’m friendly with several people, I don’t have a community or neighborhood like that. I want one, though, and am going to see what I can do to make it happen.





  1. Exhibit 1: Awesome! I am the daughter of a banker, so you would think I’d have it all under control, but, um, yeah. Have you ever heard of/checked out YNAB? We (I on behalf of we) did it for awhile to help save funds for IVF, and then felt cocky once I conceived again and fell off the wagon. I’ve had “restart YNAB” on my to-do list for the last two months. I really do need to start again. It was super helpful.

    Exhibit 5: I agree! No frost here yet (Western WA), but it was in the mid-40s this morning with clear blue skies, that odd golden fall light, and the big maple outside my office window is starting to change. I think I could live Fall all year. It’s my very favorite.

    Exhibit 6: Hey, who are you calling middle aged?! (I’m 40, too.) I am I the same boat. Grief has made me feel so much less trusting and more different than others, so it’s even harder now for me to make friends. And couples friends? Forget about it. A girlfriend and I were just joking that we need to come up with an eHarmony-type service for “older” married couples.

  2. Sent you a friend request on Facebook and think we played on soccer teams together as kids. I also know your blog through Gal and Tikva and through Glow. Here is my story http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2013/6/25/decision.html

    I live on the “East Side” of Seattle – please let me know if you want to connect.

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