August 21, 2015

You would have turned seven this past Saturday, Teddy. I’ve been thinking a lot about what seven would have looked like. You would have been getting ready to walk Dot to kindergarten, all big brother protectiveness and silliness and exasperation. You would have been getting ready for second grade.

I don’t know if that’s how it would have been, of course. I don’t know if you would have been wild and energetic, or gentle, or both. I don’t know what your smile would have looked like, what your sense of humor would have been, what color your hair would be at this point, or whether or what your favorite books would be. I’ll never get to know, but I keep dreaming and imagining and almost, almost seeing you out of the corner of my eye.

August has been rough this year. It’s always rough, but your father had a big work project due and spent most of the weekend in the office. I ate a lot of gelato and your little sis watched too much television because I had to hide in the bedroom and cry at various intervals throughout the day. We’re doing okay, but I keep waiting for it not to hurt so much and it always does, and it’s kind of relief when it hurts, you know.

I wish I could know you at seven. I love you even though you’re not here.

Happy birthday.



  1. Happy birthday, sweet boy. Big hugs, Mama.

    • Thanks, Amy. The hugs are much appreciated!

  2. It still hurts so much and it’s kind of s relief that it does–exactly, exactly.

    Happy birthday to your sweet boy. I’m sorry he’s not here.

  3. Happy birthday to your dearest son. So much we don’t know. I also feel that I nearly catch a glimpse of her all these years later.

    I’m sorry that August has been unkind this year. I also keep waiting for it not to hurt so much. But I dread the hurt lessening too. There can never be too much gelato or television in August. My own family has probably had far too much of both this month too.

    Sending love to you and remembering your precious Teddy who might have been seven this August xx

    • Thanks, Cathy. I’m eating a lot of carrots at the moment but I don’t really *regret* the gelato. Thinking of you.

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