Posts Tagged ‘secrets’

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Year of the Dragon

February 20, 2012

I know. And I think they know I know, but they haven’t told me. So maybe they don’t know I know?

I don’t know.

My brother and his wife are going ahead with IVF. My SIL let my mom know not that long ago, and Mom told me, but neither my brother nor my SIL has told me directly, and I feel like it would be intrusive to bring it up with them. I know that it means something, that they’ve gotten to this point, that they are putting their hopes and resources into this means of moving forward with their family building. I know that IVF isn’t, by a long shot, a sure thing. And I know, better than most, that pregnancy isn’t a sure thing, either. If they don’t want to discuss it with many people, that’s completely understandable, and I want to respect that.

My brother called me on February 1, Dot’s birthday, and his voice sounded laden. It sounded as though he had something to say. And I really wanted to hear what he had to say, but Dot was doing a clingy, loud, “only Mommy can read me stories right now” piece of performance art, and after a while he (I think) gave up and said goodbye. And after Mom told me what they were going through right now, I look back and, in retrospect just say, Oh, shit. Because if it were me, and I’d called with a piece of news like that, and I’d been met with the crows and screeches of a cute, loud toddler, I would have backed out of the phone call, too, and probably would have done so much less graciously than my brother did.

I could be wrong, of course. I like to think he was going to tell me, because I like to think we are still that close, that he knows I’d be cheering them on and hoping hard for them and that my fingers would be crossed. But he may have just called for distraction, or there may not have been any more to it than the conveyance of birthday wishes to Dot.

I called last week, but there wasn’t that same sense of a need to talk coming from my brother. I didn’t indulge in any obvious fishing attempts, but I wanted to give him the chance to talk to me if he wanted to.¬†And I don’t think he did. We discussed the weather. We discussed their new grill. There were some pauses that may have been slightly awkward, but not more than slightly. I tell him that I hope this is a good year for him and my SIL, and I think he reads some of what is behind my words, but I’m not sure.

I’m not oblivious to the fact that part of what’s going on here is that I’m sad not to be one of the people they trust with this information, but that’s really not important. This isn’t my story; it’s theirs. This isn’t about me; it’s about them.

I wish there was a way to let them know I’m rooting for them and hoping for them, without letting my hopes for them become one more part of the burden they’re already bearing. I wish there was a way to say “I’m here for you,” without trespassing. I wish there was a way to be there for them more substantially than this hoping from afar.

But it’s their story. I only see bits of it, from the outside. And I’m good at hoping from afar. So here I sit, fingers crossed, hoping hard, with all of my will and heart, that this is their year.

Come on, 2012. Come on, Year of the Dragon. Come on.

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