We saw a rental house today that we both liked. There’s no certainty that we’ll get it; it sounds as though there are plenty of other interested parties. No dishwasher, alas, but there is a laundry room, a basement workshop, a wood-burning stove, a yard, and a kitchen that reminds me of the farmhouse where I spent my childhood summers. The roof is new, too, new this past year. After months of leaking and leak-related unpleasantness, the thrill of a new roof and the thrill of a landlord who puts one on a house before there are leak problems is enticing, to say the least.
We’re turning in our application tomorrow and hoping that we’re the ones who get there first, who make a good impression, who are chosen. But I’m keeping my hopes in check, not expecting much, trying not to get attached, trying not to want too much.
My wanting is reserved for other areas of my life right now.
I keep trying to squelch the insidious feeling that, because my baby died, the world owes me things, owes me this rental, owes me a sunny day, owes me a living child, owes me luck and good fortune. I know that this isn’t how the world works. I even know that this isn’t how the world should work (as if anything could pay me back for Teddy’s death). But every once in a while these ideas pop into my head anyway.
And it is hard to be in a state of almost there – almost having found a new home, almost figuring out how to remember Teddy while not reliving every moment of his birth and brief life, almost being ready for whatever comes next.
I’m almost through my first year without him – less than three months to go.
It’s not that I expect to get to a place where everything is fine again, where life is suddenly sunshine and rainbows. I just sometimes feel on the edge of coping better. I may be on the edge for a long time, for years, and that’s if I’m lucky, but the glimpses of coping better are tantalizing.
I wonder if tadpoles with legs, who are almost frogs, feel awkward and restless and hopeful and anxious. I wonder if it’s a relief to lose the tale and learn to hop, or if they miss the way they swam as tadpoles.